Post by goldenmyst on Jul 20, 2019 9:52:29 GMT -6
Bachelorette Party for a Married Woman
My fidelity to my wife is impeccable. Were Bathsheba herself to offer herself naked to me for just one night of debauchery even a single evening would be too much. Then one fateful day I am called off by my boss for a business trip across the Atlantic. Though I trust my wife my night dreams are of her in the arms of a prince. So I phone her girlfriend and request that she stay with Miriam just for a week to ensure her safety and bring her comfort while I am away. Miriam assures me that my wife Helen will meet no misfortune during my absence. She says, “I will protect her as though she were my very own husband.”
So I board the flight to London with my heart a few ounces less heavy with the knowledge that Helen is under capable care. Upon my return, Miriam gives me her report in the kitchen that everything went smoothly. But then Helen comes out of the shower wrapped in her bathrobe with her lips quivering. Helen says, “Miriam I am a God-fearing woman. The Lord tells us we must be truthful with our spouse. I know John will be angry. But the wrath of God can wreak havoc on our marriage. John, we two girls have been into mischief. But I promise you on the Bible I didn’t sleep with a man.”
I say, “I’m not sure I even want to know.”
Helen replies, “John, Miriam said, ‘Let’s break out the schnapps. It’s party time’ and I snapped.”
Miriam says, “It is true, I tempted her.”
I ask, “Did you hire male strippers?”
Helen says, “Of course not. But Miriam had the idea that there were eligible men to entertain us right here in our own neighborhood.”
Helen leads me to the bedroom where she shows me an empty bottle of Cognac. She says, “I invited the gardener into the boudoir to share a bottle of Cognac.”
I reply, “Did the two of you get drunk?”
She smiles, “I was expecting you to blow your top.”
I reply, “There is no reason for me to get upset because you shared a bottle. It isn’t like you made love.”
My wife proceeds, “I had your lawn care guy cool off in the tub after being in the sun.”
I say, “Good thing you may have saved him from heatstroke.”
Helen replies, “You’re taking this very well.”
I say, “Did you expect me to stomp my feet and yell. I couldn’t manage that if I tried.”
Helen continues, “To top it off I gave the neighborhood watch dude something else to look at when I got him to massage me in exchange for a fresh cup of orange juice.”
I reply, “Massage therapy is a legitimate profession. There is nothing wrong with getting a Swedish massage from a friend.”
Helen says, “Yes but he isn’t a licensed massage therapist by the board.”
I reply, “We all have to start somewhere. You may have introduced him to a new career.”
I reply, “You are the best husband anyone could have. I could get spoiled by your easy does it approach to marriage. I’m so glad I got this off my chest. Otherwise, I could have fallen into deeper and more venal sins of that I am sure.”
I reply, “Who said anything about sins? Sharing some drink, getting the tension worked out of your muscles and saving an overheated man’s life. It sounds like all in a week’s work for a heroine.”
The next morning Helen, Miriam, and I sit around the kitchen table gossiping about the latest news. Helen rubs her eyes like she didn’t sleep well. I tell my wife, “Since our honeymoon, we have never slept separately until my trip to England. But I left you in the good hands of your true friend Miriam. I trust she took good care of you.”
Helen says, “You need not worry my love. Women know the way to comfort each other properly. And Miriam is well versed in the techniques of supervising a mischief-maker like myself.”
I say, “It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you of my upcoming trip to China. This will be a much longer errand than my previous one to London. So be it and keep the home fires burning.”
Miriam replies, “We will darling. You just enjoy yourself over there in Old Cathay. Don’t fret a bit about us ladies. I’ll keep tabs on her.”
I say, “Helen, feel free to get another massage from that man. Coming home to a relaxed wife is the best way to cope with jet lag.”
Miriam kisses Helen in what starts off as an affectionate kiss on the lips but morphs into an innocent peck on the cheek.
My fidelity to my wife is impeccable. Were Bathsheba herself to offer herself naked to me for just one night of debauchery even a single evening would be too much. Then one fateful day I am called off by my boss for a business trip across the Atlantic. Though I trust my wife my night dreams are of her in the arms of a prince. So I phone her girlfriend and request that she stay with Miriam just for a week to ensure her safety and bring her comfort while I am away. Miriam assures me that my wife Helen will meet no misfortune during my absence. She says, “I will protect her as though she were my very own husband.”
So I board the flight to London with my heart a few ounces less heavy with the knowledge that Helen is under capable care. Upon my return, Miriam gives me her report in the kitchen that everything went smoothly. But then Helen comes out of the shower wrapped in her bathrobe with her lips quivering. Helen says, “Miriam I am a God-fearing woman. The Lord tells us we must be truthful with our spouse. I know John will be angry. But the wrath of God can wreak havoc on our marriage. John, we two girls have been into mischief. But I promise you on the Bible I didn’t sleep with a man.”
I say, “I’m not sure I even want to know.”
Helen replies, “John, Miriam said, ‘Let’s break out the schnapps. It’s party time’ and I snapped.”
Miriam says, “It is true, I tempted her.”
I ask, “Did you hire male strippers?”
Helen says, “Of course not. But Miriam had the idea that there were eligible men to entertain us right here in our own neighborhood.”
Helen leads me to the bedroom where she shows me an empty bottle of Cognac. She says, “I invited the gardener into the boudoir to share a bottle of Cognac.”
I reply, “Did the two of you get drunk?”
She smiles, “I was expecting you to blow your top.”
I reply, “There is no reason for me to get upset because you shared a bottle. It isn’t like you made love.”
My wife proceeds, “I had your lawn care guy cool off in the tub after being in the sun.”
I say, “Good thing you may have saved him from heatstroke.”
Helen replies, “You’re taking this very well.”
I say, “Did you expect me to stomp my feet and yell. I couldn’t manage that if I tried.”
Helen continues, “To top it off I gave the neighborhood watch dude something else to look at when I got him to massage me in exchange for a fresh cup of orange juice.”
I reply, “Massage therapy is a legitimate profession. There is nothing wrong with getting a Swedish massage from a friend.”
Helen says, “Yes but he isn’t a licensed massage therapist by the board.”
I reply, “We all have to start somewhere. You may have introduced him to a new career.”
I reply, “You are the best husband anyone could have. I could get spoiled by your easy does it approach to marriage. I’m so glad I got this off my chest. Otherwise, I could have fallen into deeper and more venal sins of that I am sure.”
I reply, “Who said anything about sins? Sharing some drink, getting the tension worked out of your muscles and saving an overheated man’s life. It sounds like all in a week’s work for a heroine.”
The next morning Helen, Miriam, and I sit around the kitchen table gossiping about the latest news. Helen rubs her eyes like she didn’t sleep well. I tell my wife, “Since our honeymoon, we have never slept separately until my trip to England. But I left you in the good hands of your true friend Miriam. I trust she took good care of you.”
Helen says, “You need not worry my love. Women know the way to comfort each other properly. And Miriam is well versed in the techniques of supervising a mischief-maker like myself.”
I say, “It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you of my upcoming trip to China. This will be a much longer errand than my previous one to London. So be it and keep the home fires burning.”
Miriam replies, “We will darling. You just enjoy yourself over there in Old Cathay. Don’t fret a bit about us ladies. I’ll keep tabs on her.”
I say, “Helen, feel free to get another massage from that man. Coming home to a relaxed wife is the best way to cope with jet lag.”
Miriam kisses Helen in what starts off as an affectionate kiss on the lips but morphs into an innocent peck on the cheek.
