Post by Brian on Jul 8, 2018 23:14:01 GMT -6
She whispered softly, "Now, in this moment we're frozen for a time."
"What happens when time runs again?"
"Then you will see me fade away, but take what we have for this moment."
I did as she asked but all too soon I heard the soft touch of a grain of sand touch the bottom of the glass. As she warned me, she faded away before I could say or do anything. Still as her outline lingered for a moment against the sky like slow drifting clouds I heard the sound of something like glass breaking.
"Fragile are our hearts, mine breaks at this parting. I know not how it shall be made whole again."
I stood looking skyward until the sun set. Watching the moon rise I saw a flash of light across my right eye. I knew then I'd find a way to get there, to be with her again. It might take a day or a score of years, but I'd do it.
The moonlight showed me the bits of her broken heart. I gathered up what had fallen and caught those that were still floating down. Carefully wrapping them in my handkerchief, I placed them in my pocket. I would find a way to make it whole again and restore it to her.
I first met her on summer's night. I remember it well for it was the night of full heaven. Not a single cloud marred the sky above as ancient markers made their way across the dusty glow. The moon illuminated the beaches, the rocks, the fields showing the coming richness of the anticipated harvest. That silver light shone upon everything as dancing wind blown shadows moved like independent silhouettes. I had not seen the like in all my years. I breathed it all in whispering a prayer that the magic would last.
It was then one of the silver moonbeams turned to pure gold. Blinded by its flash I felt a light searing of my skin that the passing winds cooled. Standing at the edge of sand and field where I could see all the majesty of the night I was imprinted. Hearing the tide fading as stillness came I dared open my eyes though slowly. The burning light had faded quickly leaving behind a dimness that only moments before had seemed so brilliant.
Tearing in my eyes gave a strange look to what I could see. I thought I saw an angel before me, bathed she was in a prism of light. As the moonbow faded away my sight cleared showing me a truly lovely vision. She spoke no words as she locked her deep turquoise eyes into mine. A wind shifted her long hair so that the red strands that seemed to have been made from Mars brushed me with the caress of Venus. The hand that brushed my chest, though fleeting felt warm. Then she bade me to fear nothing. Her voice was like quiet whispers from the deepest cosmos. Truly she was a child of all our systems. So much of her was familiar as though I had seen her through my telescope so many times, yet never all as one as I was seeing her now. Her skin appeared at times to be as mine, yet at others with the blue of Neptune.
Once steadied she became a woman as I would expect to find though not at that hour or in that place. She had a gown of blues and reds that seemed to be bound by rings that gave the illusion of floating. I touched her offered hand letting her lead me to the water's edge. I attempted to speak but she put her finger to my lips. She looked out over the water pointing with her free hand. I followed with my eyes and saw bright points in the sky over the water. I knew not what to make of it all. I wanted to ask her many questions but her manner indicated that she would prefer silence.
We spent all the night watching the brilliance of the moon roll peacefully across the sky. Sounds of waves lapping along the shore reached our ears. Each whisper of the wind was answered by the kiss of early hour dew. Lifted grass tears brushed our faces yet their touch was barely noticed. Other feelings were flowing at the warmth of her hand in mine. Was this the magic of falling so many I know often spoke about in revealing moments?
I knew in my heart I would never whisper a word of this to anyone. I knew too, at that moment I would not disturb the silence that breathed beautifully between us. This was one of life's precious moments. One that would I would always remember no matter what the future would bring. Each second hanging before merging with the next left a sparkling in my mind. Fireworks that gently overlaid my vision through open eyes. Their colours faded into the sunrise at some point but I still cannot say for sure when one moment of dark became one moment of light.
She stepped to face me, gazing up into my eyes she spoke, "I am a daughter of the solar system. I have come to learn from you many things. Also much I shall teach you over the coming days. Our time is short, only thirty of your days. When they run out the glass will turn. At the first falling grain I shall return from where I came."
"Where would that be?" I asked finding my voice.
"Where the sun touches both sides of the moon. There I have been sent to watch for these many years past. I grew weary of only seeing. I must experience all these new things", she said softly.
"Tell me who sent you to watch, how is it you have come here," I said a little insistently without feeling the slightest doubt she spoke naught but the truth.
"I shall tell you everything. Even things you should not yet know. I do not understand but something has touched me in ways I cannot explain. I don't believe this was intended, yet often what is not intended is meant by fate's intervention," she said in that same soft voice.
We strolled toward my home, a group of small rooms really. I wanted to show her someplace better but she didn't seem to mind. She must have sensed my hesitancy. A reassuring sqeeze from her hand made me feel more at ease. As we approached my front door she stepped in front me, reached up to take my face in her hands. I looked into her eyes and saw nothing but warm caring in them. She told me everything would be alright. I blinked some what startled because I didn't hear her speak out loud. With a wicked grin she led me up the stairs and into my own house.
When we crossed the doorway she looked around. The old cracked walls that needed repair and painting, marks on those walls where pictures once hung, sparse furnishings were embarrassing enough to me despite her reassurance. Worse was how horribly drab it all looked because of the old brown love seat that had most of its coverings tattered. The unmatched chairs, one that was once upon a time gold, now just a tarnished yellow and the other black with some white dotted flecks around the holes that looked like moths had eaten their way through. It wasn't that bad for me but at that moment I wished I'd taken better care of the place.
"You have had much sadness in your life. I can feel it all around this place. You will share your pain with me. Together we are going to mend what's broken inside you," she said.
I didn't know if that could even be done. Yet her face wasn't full of pity nor was it filled with derision. She simply looked caring and determined. She was so determined, that as much as I wanted to hide, there was no ducking her piercing gaze. I reluctantly met it. Then, for the first time in a decade I felt a glimmer of light, of hope. I struggled between the wish to embrace it and the wish to banish it.
She told me to sit quietly in that room while she explored the rest of the house on her own. I didn't why I just went along with her wishes. I just simply nodded, sat back in the old yellowish chair while she headed off into the kitchen. Even before she cleared the doorway I felt a fatigue I couldn't fight off. I fell asleep in that chair.
I dreamed she had fixed up the broken cupboard doors over the kitchen sink. Leveled out the counter. Cleared out the bits of the walls that needed to be redone then set up for and painted the entire kitchen. After that I saw her move into the bedroom. There she fixed up the long unused bed. Again she fixed up and painted the walls. She did the same thing for each room except the one I was in. I wasn't sure how she'd done it for she had no tools. I saw it all happening but somewhat blurred like a film out of focus. I dreamed that four days passed during which she completely fixed up the house. Even the squeak in the front door. I bet she was happy that I only had the one floor and no basement. Ten years of neglect takes its toll.
I woke up to find her sitting in the chair across from me. She was watching me closely with a small smile on her face. My eyes slowly adjusted as my senses told me there was fresh carpentry that had been done. I could smell the paint in the house. I blinked, closed my eyes and opened them again. The chairs had been done over so that they matched. I noticed the arms of the chair I was in had changed from the worn old yellow to a deep red. The other chair matched and the love seat had been restored and refurbished to the same colour. I raised my eyebrows as in inquiry
"Your environment has been repaired. It is the first step to mending," she said.
"How long have been asleep?" I asked.
"Six of your days," she said.
"Six days!" I exclaimed.
"Yes, I had much to do," she said quietly.
"I had dream," I started to say, my voice wracked with uncertainty.
"Yes but it wasn't a dream. Come I shall show you everything that's been done," she said.
As we went through the house the reality didn't even come close to my dream. The kitchen had been completely remodelled. All the plaster and woodwork had been redone. It had all been freshly painted. The cupboards that had been warped and crooked were sitting straight. Oak had replaced plywood, rust on the sink and taps had been replaced with gleaming silver. Even the old woodstove had somehow been restored to its full luster as thought it were brand new.
The next surprise was in the bedroom. The old double bed had also been fully restored. It was almost as though it had just been remade. There were curtains hanging in the window. I had only thrown up some old blankets years ago but since I never used the room I never did get around to putting up proper curtains. There was a proper set up now, dark brown to match with the dresser and the night stands. There shades of the colour lightened from the dresser to the night stands to the bed. Even the old mirror had been set back in place atop the dresser. I was pretty sure I had broken it at some point but there it was all in one piece.
"You replaced a lot here," I said.
"No, I just fixed what was broken," she answered me.
"You did all this in six days?" I asked knowing I sounded incredulous.
"Yes, all on my own too. Come with me outside and see something marvelous," she said.
I followed her back out through the house noting that the back door from the kitchen had also been fully restored to its original deep brown and it registered with me that the counters matched it along with the cupboards. The big surprise though was when I got outside. The entire exterior was fixed up. The bricks looked brand new. There was not a single hint of rust or dirt along the entire drainage system. At the side of the house under the drain pipe was the old rain barrel that I was sure I had burned a decade ago. The whole house had been transformed just as it had been before my life turned.
"I'm still asleep and dreaming. Any minute now I'll wake up and realise that none of this has happened," I said.
"Oh this is all quite real. I can imagine it is hard for you to take in. Come back inside. I have much to tell you. More things you probably will find difficult to believe," she replied.
"After this I think I am ready to believe anything," I said glancing between her and the house.
"That is going to be put to the test," she answered me enigmatically.
We settled back in the chairs. The curtains were drawn over the closed windows. I waited patiently for her to begin but she simply looked back at me steadily. After a couple of minutes I figured it was up to me to get us started.
"Ok, put my willingness to believe to the test," I said.
"Has it not occurred to you to ask me my name?" she asked.
"No, not really. I figured you'd tell me when you were ready," I answered her.
"I am called Starna Ray. I know your name, not the one you use with everyone else but your true name that never you tell anyone," she said.
"I see," I said.
"You are a most unusual person. Anyone else by now would have been asking a thousand questions," Starna said.
I simply smiled at her without saying another word. She looked at me waiting but this time I held my silence. She must have noted the small shake of my head indicating I wasn't going to say another word. She shifted a little bit before deciding to continue.
Starna said, "You must have some idea of who I am and where I come from."
I simply waved my hand for her continue. She looked at me as her smile grew a little more uncertain. I reached over and lay my hand over hers. She seemed to take reassurance from that.
"When I told you that I'm a child of the solar system I wasn't speaking metaphorically. The moonbeams you have admired, adored, taken such pleasure in all your life, well..."
"Tell me you are a personified composite of them," I said quietly.
"You knew?" she said the surprise evident all over her face.
"Yes I knew." I replied.
"Starna asked, "How did you know?"
"I really don't know how the knowledge came to me, but it did," I answered quietly.
"How much do you know?" Starna asked.
I lowered my eyes to the floor then back to look at her before saying, "I know that you did all this," I waved my hand around indicating the house, "with what many would consider to be magic."
She started at that. She attempted to speak again but the words seemed to get stuck as she tried to utter them. I went to move toward her but she waved me back. She flickered in front of me and then seemed to disappear in a minor bursting light flash.
The flash cleared as her outline remained. Looking ghostly I didn't fear what I'd witnessed. I waited not taking my eyes off her. I don't know how much time had passed before she started to take solid form again. Oddly enough I felt no fear as I watched the process. True it was not your run of the mill happening that one saw every day though neither was it completely unexpected. I already knew there was much different about her.
When she returned in full form I had to move quickly to catch her. Her skin was pale, her eyes were open but blank. She was breathing though more slowly than she had been. I checked her pulse. It was not as strong as I thought it should be and it seemed to me to be erratic. I was a little slower than I should have been it measuring it. That was just as well as it returned to something that I would define as normal as her breathing also became better measured. Her eyes fluttered, closed then opened again showing a bright alertness that had just been absent a moment before.
"They tried to call me back before time. I pushed my way back here though I don't know how much longer I keep them at bay," she said.
"They?" I asked.
"My creators, I believe you would call them parents," answered.
"Starna, why are you here?" I asked her.
"You wished upon a moonbeam so here I am. You understand I can help you move on with your life but I cannot return you to yesterday. I cannot bring you to those who are gone nor can I bring them here," Starna's voice sounded a little strained as she spoke.
I studied her for any sign of after effects but she seemed to be doing quite well. I tilted my head at her as I looked. She simply smiled back at me as though to tell me all was well at the moment. It was strange the feelings she'd evoked from me. I hadn't expected to ever feel this way again. When I'd lost my bride to be so long ago I'd closed myself up and shut the world out as much as I could. Now everything was breaking open in ways I'd sworn I'd never allow again. There was something truly magical here, something part of me didn't want yet what was being awakened demanded further exploration.
"I am here to do whatever is necessary to bring light back to your spirit. It has been dark for too long. It was so bright once upon a time, a joy to look upon as it stood out among the crowd. Your light has dimmed. I don't want your light to go out," Starna said.
"Before you go further with that, tell me more about these parents of yours and why they want to cut your time with me short," I said.
"I am the daughter of light and dark. Both sides of the cosmos as it were. My mother is light and my father is dark though neither is truly a constant and each have shades of the other. They don't often make a full merging but when they do interesting things happen. Sometimes stars are born, sometimes all whirls in galactic dust and then there is me. I am the first and maybe the last of my kind. The two merged deep in the heart of the moon out there. I was spat out for lack of a better term by forces I don't understand. You see, the two of them battle back and forth with neither truly getting the upper hand. There are places that dark is the dominate force and places where light is the dominate force. They're offset by dark having more space occupied and light more heavily concentrated. I am a balance between the two, yet should another one like me come into existence then all the balances will shift and my parents will try to divide us. Have us take sides, something that I refuse to do. They each love me yet also fear me because I represent everything that will never allow either of them to achieve dominance over the other. The other issue they have with another like me being created is that should the other and I form a bond then we shall be unbeatable. As things are now, I am pulled by each all the time. It is wearying. I made a firm decision to come to you and that I was to be left alone for a full lunar cycle. They both agreed but they also fear each other and that fear caused them both to move prematurely. I stand alone between them for now. Without any support I shall eventually wear down and one or the other will use me to make a decisive move against the other. I believe you are the one who can do this but not as you are now. Time is running away on this matter. I have laid in the foundation. Now I need you to make the next step, maybe even the one after that if any hope of success is to realised."
As she spoke to me the fire in her eyes burned brightly. Made of a moonbeam she said. The purest mix of light and dark I knew. I hardly knew what to say to her as her revelation came to a close. Maybe I needed to say little and do much. It would requirement committing to her cause. I hadn't committed to anything in ten years. The loss then was so painful that it wasn't until recently it even hinted at fading. Now I was at war inside between what I knew needed doing and what I most feared doing. She was right about my needing mending. I wholly appreciated her not sugar coating it. She had not used any sense of misdirection. Her story seemed like so much fantasy yet I knew it was not. I don't know how I knew, just that I did. I couldn't find words to say. I couldn't find it in myself to make the reach she needed me to reach. The gap was too large for me to bridge. I looked at her hoping I could convey what was playing through my mind without having to give voice to my thoughts.
"I know it is hard for you. I have faith you can do this. We have but twenty-four days remaining. Take the next step, cast aside your fear. You know you can do it. Despite your doubts and fears you can do this. Breathe, step, do," she said.
I twitched but didn't move from where I was sitting. I couldn't take my eyes off her and I couldn't move any closer to her. I didn't want to get close to anyone ever again. Yet I did want to do it. Oh, when the heart and mind collide between one second and the next it steals something or gives something. When the held breath that has never truly been set free from pain inflicted ages past tries to make an escape only to find itself held back. So little to break what is damming up the flood. So hard for that break to come. Something had to give but when and which way I wondered.
The days passed by all too quickly. Try as I might I couldn't break through the barriers that had fallen in place a decade earlier. We shared the bed through the nights but never got passed holding hands, maybe a little pressing together. The little household routine we'd set up seemed to function reasonably well but I felt like a ghost watching from a distance. The longing to have it be real to me ache deep inside.
She sensed my moods, the frustration of futility that built up inside me. She knew I wanted more time to work through all this. I knew that time was not to be granted. I wasn't doing well under pressure. It became worse as her patience gave way to fear as we entered the final week. She had done everything right at all the right times. I just couldn't find it within myself to respond correctly.
She was fading by the day I couldn't do the right things to stop it. I was feeling more despondent as the days ran on. When there was only three days left she was more faded than present. She whispered pleas to me. I tried to rise to her needs and kept coming up short. I cursed myself. I pushed, prodded, yelled, all to no avail. I kept faltering at the test.
Finally on the last day she was more with me than faded but she seemed to hover as the moon rose in the sky. It was fully lit in the clear sky above even while the sun was setting. We had returned to where we'd first met. The first moonbeam reached down but it didn't quite touch her. All held still and I looked at her a little puzzled. She reached for me, whispering softly, "Now in this moment we're frozen for a time."
"What happens when time runs again?"
Then you will see me fade away, but take what we have for this moment."
I did as she asked but all too soon I heard the soft touch of a grain of sand touch the bottom of the glass. As she warned me, she faded away before I could say or do anything. Still as her outline lingered for a moment against the sky like slow drifting clouds I heard the sound of something like glass breaking.
"Fragile are our hearts, mine breaks at this parting. I know not how it shall be made whole again."
I stood looking skyward until the sun set. Watching the moon rise I saw a flash of light across my right eye. I knew then I'd find a way to get there, to be with her again. It might take a day or a score of years, but I'd do it.
The moonlight showed me the bits of her broken heart. I gathered up what had fallen and caught those that were still floating down. Carefully wrapping them in my handkerchief, I placed them in my pocket. I would find a way to make it whole again and restore it to her.
I hadn't realised until that moment what this all meant to me. I hadn't fully understood what I meant to her. Fool a hundred times over I knew myself to be. I pulled a falling tear from my cheek and flung it up along the path to the sky to chase the moonbeam.
Cursing myself I dropped to the ground as the last rays of the sun vanished. Against the backdrop of night a cry was heard. It sounded more like a wild beast than a man and I wondered of its origin. It took a moment before I realised the cry came from me. I squeezed my eyes tightly shutting myself away from everything. I don't know how much time passed before my mind began to sort out everything. The first thing to ease was the scream of the beast. I couldn't be sure that it hadn't been anywhere but in my head. I felt some relief when it stopped though such relief was short lived. A great despondent silence replaced it.
I could hear the waves pounding along the shoreline. That too receded until what had been a thundering roar fall to a quiet lapping. Eventually that faded too as memories of her voice faded in replacing the waves. Every word replayed. Everything look swam through my eyes that though closed to shield me failed utterly to do so. I could hear my own thoughts continuously berating me for coming up short when it could least be afforded. Taunting me so much worse than all the previous years, thoughts rose up like a giant I could not slay. I thought I heard thunder blasting but it was only my own inarticulate attempts to give a voice to my pains. I thought I felt rain falling but it was only the pouring of tears from my eyes. I thought I heard the winds blasting but it was only my ragged breath struggling to keep me going.
When everything at last stilled I dared to open my eyes a crack. I blinked from the sudden brilliance of the still rising moon. There was a halo around it that seemed to be far brighter than I'd ever seen. I tried to focus my eyes but something seemed to be stabbing them. I managed to gain some control over myself and noticed a single moonbeam still reaching for me. At the end of it hung a small drop. I knew right away it was the tear I had flung. A surge of hope ran through me as I took a breath and closed my eyes again.
I lay on still upon the ground in the silence. Behind my closed eyes a view that was half light and half dark appeared. The two slammed together pressing as hard as they could against each other. As hard as they heaved to and fro neither seemed to make any headway. I could've sworn I heard whispers of "me, me, support me." I wondered if I was hallucinating or if a new destiny was at hand.
I heard a faint note reverberate. It grew stronger as the battle between the two raged with a frightening ferocity. They became a swirling mesh that was quickly pulling me down through a menacing vortex. Again and again I felt buffeted like a leaf in the wind on a cold autumn day. It was an exhausting experience. Strobing flashes crumbled my sanity from all around the edges opening up ways to the core.
I was lost in the storm with no safe harbour to be found. I was going to drown in this lost place where all was forsaken to blinded emotions. Everything was coming undone from without as well as within. The dam was breaking, time was unwinding, the last sun had set.
I felt the last ebbs of life rippling out from me. My time had come in a way I couldn't have imagined. All the lost chances came whizzing by in a flash, spinning madly out of control as they flew by. I swear I heard some of them laugh at me in passing.
Dark and light ceased their fight. Floating in tatters, reeling from shock I tried to regain some sense of orientation. Various bits were being pulled in different directions. It hurt so much I couldn't even utter a sound. This gave me a reference for how it felt being the object in a tug of war between two equal opposing forces. That was a reference I could truly have done without.
During a brief respite I managed to bring one coherent thought to the surface. The tear I saw hanging from the end of the moonbeam. I didn't have the strength to speak. I merely let the thought come of its own accord. I hoped that Starna would hear it, that she could respond to me in this place. Then the battle was engaged once more shutting me down as the rages came around again in full unmerciful force.
The next set of blows never landed. Everything whooshed by leaving me untouched. I opened my eyes and this time I looked out on the world around me. The moon was gone, the stars were hidden by clouds. A chilly wind was blowing in from the sea. I breathed a couple of times before getting to my feet. Turning my head skyward I said, "I love you Starna."
I was shocked to see how much time had passed as dawn was breaking over the horizon. A small crack of light showed yet that was all to be seen. Dark clouds moved in blocking the sun's attempt to bring in the day brightly. Flashes of fury marked the sky followed by ominous rumblings. I heard a loud crack close by. Slowly I turned to see what had happened. I backed away from the house. It had been hit in at least two places by lightning strikes. A second storm had moved in behind me.
The two storms met with lashing winds and little rain. So much noise with so little release made me think of what I'd experienced through the night. My thoughts quickly moved to the urgent need of finding shelter. The house was being ripped apart by the cutting winds. I looked for someplace to go but there wasn't anywhere easily accessible. As I looked around my eyes couldn't reconcile with my memory of what should've been present. I couldn't see any sign of another house, or anything else that I had associated with my neighbourhood. Somehow it had all vanished!
Was this just another part of the vision or was this cold harsh reality that had turned my life inside out? The external storm mirrored the internal one. Real or not I had to bring this to an end. I yelled out "STOP!" Much to my surprise both storms halted. The confusion inside my head also vanished. Everything fell to an absolute quiet. I felt around with my hand and nodded. It had all been illusion. I was still laying on the ground where I'd fallen after Starna left. Half opening one eye I saw the single moonbeam with the tear on the end was still there. It had all taken place in a matter of seconds.
Fully opening both eyes I saw the moonbeam reaching further for me. I knew this to be no illusion. Something was changing. The tear drop became a finger nail. The beam became a hand. I reached for it. It closed around mine with a familiar warmth. I felt it pulling me just a little. "Yes my love, yes," I said feeling a rising excitement. Between one moment and the next I was gone.
Radio voice, "Astronomers announced today that there seemed to be a little extra glow coming from the moon. The brief released indicated that three independent observatories recorded the same results in the same location of the moon. The phenomenon was first noticed a month ago. Scientists have confirmed there is a brighter glow around the moon but they have no explanation for it at this time. "We really have no idea what has caused this, but teams around the world will be investigating in cooperation with various space agencies to come up with the why of it," the chief of the local observatory, Dr. Vanix told our news team today.
In other news an old house that was believed to have been abandoned burned to the ground last night. The old house located at Beachfront Rd and Last Lane was isolated from all other buildings in the community. The fire is believed to have started around midnight. By the time the fire department was notified the building was engulfed in flames. At this time no cause for the fire has been determined though some residents who were out for a late night stroll report that something appeared to strike the house from the sky. Military Base 40A, the nearest armed forces facility denies any special weapons testing was being conducted last night.
The owner of the house, one J.J. Smith cannot be located at this time. While nothing official has been released we have learned through our own sources that Mr. J.J. Smith may not exist. We spoke to residents in the area who say they barely noticed the man. He kept very much to himself. Authorities are not commenting on Mr. Smith or the cause of the fire at this time. Details will be provided as they become available."
"I don't think they'll be finding Mr. Smith anytime soon," I said to Starna as I tuned out the broadcast.
She answered me, "No, I don't think they will."
"The older ones are quiet for the moment, they're probably plotting against each other again, though I don't know why. Since you and I have come together they can't get away with anything," I said with mild amusement.
"Have you forgotten the eclipse in three days?" Starna asked me.
"No, I didn't forget that, you think he'll try something?" I asked her.
She laughed saying, "One of them is always trying something!"
"Will they learn?" I asked her.
In unison we said ,"Not for some time to come."
The two of us laughed. The battle between light and dark had gone on for eons. We could keep it contained but we had to stay alert because we knew that neither side would give up. We'd be strong together, strong enough to keep everything in balance.
Ten years ago I had lost my purpose in my life. Now I have one again and though I wasn't as I once was. I feel more whole and complete. It all came to be because somewhere within myself I was able to take courage to admit I could love again. Starna woke that in me, handed me the keys to open myself. I'll never truly know how close I came to not completing this destiny. I don't need to know. Here and now my existence regardless of form is complete.
Brian Paul Sullivan © 2014
"What happens when time runs again?"
"Then you will see me fade away, but take what we have for this moment."
I did as she asked but all too soon I heard the soft touch of a grain of sand touch the bottom of the glass. As she warned me, she faded away before I could say or do anything. Still as her outline lingered for a moment against the sky like slow drifting clouds I heard the sound of something like glass breaking.
"Fragile are our hearts, mine breaks at this parting. I know not how it shall be made whole again."
I stood looking skyward until the sun set. Watching the moon rise I saw a flash of light across my right eye. I knew then I'd find a way to get there, to be with her again. It might take a day or a score of years, but I'd do it.
The moonlight showed me the bits of her broken heart. I gathered up what had fallen and caught those that were still floating down. Carefully wrapping them in my handkerchief, I placed them in my pocket. I would find a way to make it whole again and restore it to her.
I first met her on summer's night. I remember it well for it was the night of full heaven. Not a single cloud marred the sky above as ancient markers made their way across the dusty glow. The moon illuminated the beaches, the rocks, the fields showing the coming richness of the anticipated harvest. That silver light shone upon everything as dancing wind blown shadows moved like independent silhouettes. I had not seen the like in all my years. I breathed it all in whispering a prayer that the magic would last.
It was then one of the silver moonbeams turned to pure gold. Blinded by its flash I felt a light searing of my skin that the passing winds cooled. Standing at the edge of sand and field where I could see all the majesty of the night I was imprinted. Hearing the tide fading as stillness came I dared open my eyes though slowly. The burning light had faded quickly leaving behind a dimness that only moments before had seemed so brilliant.
Tearing in my eyes gave a strange look to what I could see. I thought I saw an angel before me, bathed she was in a prism of light. As the moonbow faded away my sight cleared showing me a truly lovely vision. She spoke no words as she locked her deep turquoise eyes into mine. A wind shifted her long hair so that the red strands that seemed to have been made from Mars brushed me with the caress of Venus. The hand that brushed my chest, though fleeting felt warm. Then she bade me to fear nothing. Her voice was like quiet whispers from the deepest cosmos. Truly she was a child of all our systems. So much of her was familiar as though I had seen her through my telescope so many times, yet never all as one as I was seeing her now. Her skin appeared at times to be as mine, yet at others with the blue of Neptune.
Once steadied she became a woman as I would expect to find though not at that hour or in that place. She had a gown of blues and reds that seemed to be bound by rings that gave the illusion of floating. I touched her offered hand letting her lead me to the water's edge. I attempted to speak but she put her finger to my lips. She looked out over the water pointing with her free hand. I followed with my eyes and saw bright points in the sky over the water. I knew not what to make of it all. I wanted to ask her many questions but her manner indicated that she would prefer silence.
We spent all the night watching the brilliance of the moon roll peacefully across the sky. Sounds of waves lapping along the shore reached our ears. Each whisper of the wind was answered by the kiss of early hour dew. Lifted grass tears brushed our faces yet their touch was barely noticed. Other feelings were flowing at the warmth of her hand in mine. Was this the magic of falling so many I know often spoke about in revealing moments?
I knew in my heart I would never whisper a word of this to anyone. I knew too, at that moment I would not disturb the silence that breathed beautifully between us. This was one of life's precious moments. One that would I would always remember no matter what the future would bring. Each second hanging before merging with the next left a sparkling in my mind. Fireworks that gently overlaid my vision through open eyes. Their colours faded into the sunrise at some point but I still cannot say for sure when one moment of dark became one moment of light.
She stepped to face me, gazing up into my eyes she spoke, "I am a daughter of the solar system. I have come to learn from you many things. Also much I shall teach you over the coming days. Our time is short, only thirty of your days. When they run out the glass will turn. At the first falling grain I shall return from where I came."
"Where would that be?" I asked finding my voice.
"Where the sun touches both sides of the moon. There I have been sent to watch for these many years past. I grew weary of only seeing. I must experience all these new things", she said softly.
"Tell me who sent you to watch, how is it you have come here," I said a little insistently without feeling the slightest doubt she spoke naught but the truth.
"I shall tell you everything. Even things you should not yet know. I do not understand but something has touched me in ways I cannot explain. I don't believe this was intended, yet often what is not intended is meant by fate's intervention," she said in that same soft voice.
We strolled toward my home, a group of small rooms really. I wanted to show her someplace better but she didn't seem to mind. She must have sensed my hesitancy. A reassuring sqeeze from her hand made me feel more at ease. As we approached my front door she stepped in front me, reached up to take my face in her hands. I looked into her eyes and saw nothing but warm caring in them. She told me everything would be alright. I blinked some what startled because I didn't hear her speak out loud. With a wicked grin she led me up the stairs and into my own house.
When we crossed the doorway she looked around. The old cracked walls that needed repair and painting, marks on those walls where pictures once hung, sparse furnishings were embarrassing enough to me despite her reassurance. Worse was how horribly drab it all looked because of the old brown love seat that had most of its coverings tattered. The unmatched chairs, one that was once upon a time gold, now just a tarnished yellow and the other black with some white dotted flecks around the holes that looked like moths had eaten their way through. It wasn't that bad for me but at that moment I wished I'd taken better care of the place.
"You have had much sadness in your life. I can feel it all around this place. You will share your pain with me. Together we are going to mend what's broken inside you," she said.
I didn't know if that could even be done. Yet her face wasn't full of pity nor was it filled with derision. She simply looked caring and determined. She was so determined, that as much as I wanted to hide, there was no ducking her piercing gaze. I reluctantly met it. Then, for the first time in a decade I felt a glimmer of light, of hope. I struggled between the wish to embrace it and the wish to banish it.
She told me to sit quietly in that room while she explored the rest of the house on her own. I didn't why I just went along with her wishes. I just simply nodded, sat back in the old yellowish chair while she headed off into the kitchen. Even before she cleared the doorway I felt a fatigue I couldn't fight off. I fell asleep in that chair.
I dreamed she had fixed up the broken cupboard doors over the kitchen sink. Leveled out the counter. Cleared out the bits of the walls that needed to be redone then set up for and painted the entire kitchen. After that I saw her move into the bedroom. There she fixed up the long unused bed. Again she fixed up and painted the walls. She did the same thing for each room except the one I was in. I wasn't sure how she'd done it for she had no tools. I saw it all happening but somewhat blurred like a film out of focus. I dreamed that four days passed during which she completely fixed up the house. Even the squeak in the front door. I bet she was happy that I only had the one floor and no basement. Ten years of neglect takes its toll.
I woke up to find her sitting in the chair across from me. She was watching me closely with a small smile on her face. My eyes slowly adjusted as my senses told me there was fresh carpentry that had been done. I could smell the paint in the house. I blinked, closed my eyes and opened them again. The chairs had been done over so that they matched. I noticed the arms of the chair I was in had changed from the worn old yellow to a deep red. The other chair matched and the love seat had been restored and refurbished to the same colour. I raised my eyebrows as in inquiry
"Your environment has been repaired. It is the first step to mending," she said.
"How long have been asleep?" I asked.
"Six of your days," she said.
"Six days!" I exclaimed.
"Yes, I had much to do," she said quietly.
"I had dream," I started to say, my voice wracked with uncertainty.
"Yes but it wasn't a dream. Come I shall show you everything that's been done," she said.
As we went through the house the reality didn't even come close to my dream. The kitchen had been completely remodelled. All the plaster and woodwork had been redone. It had all been freshly painted. The cupboards that had been warped and crooked were sitting straight. Oak had replaced plywood, rust on the sink and taps had been replaced with gleaming silver. Even the old woodstove had somehow been restored to its full luster as thought it were brand new.
The next surprise was in the bedroom. The old double bed had also been fully restored. It was almost as though it had just been remade. There were curtains hanging in the window. I had only thrown up some old blankets years ago but since I never used the room I never did get around to putting up proper curtains. There was a proper set up now, dark brown to match with the dresser and the night stands. There shades of the colour lightened from the dresser to the night stands to the bed. Even the old mirror had been set back in place atop the dresser. I was pretty sure I had broken it at some point but there it was all in one piece.
"You replaced a lot here," I said.
"No, I just fixed what was broken," she answered me.
"You did all this in six days?" I asked knowing I sounded incredulous.
"Yes, all on my own too. Come with me outside and see something marvelous," she said.
I followed her back out through the house noting that the back door from the kitchen had also been fully restored to its original deep brown and it registered with me that the counters matched it along with the cupboards. The big surprise though was when I got outside. The entire exterior was fixed up. The bricks looked brand new. There was not a single hint of rust or dirt along the entire drainage system. At the side of the house under the drain pipe was the old rain barrel that I was sure I had burned a decade ago. The whole house had been transformed just as it had been before my life turned.
"I'm still asleep and dreaming. Any minute now I'll wake up and realise that none of this has happened," I said.
"Oh this is all quite real. I can imagine it is hard for you to take in. Come back inside. I have much to tell you. More things you probably will find difficult to believe," she replied.
"After this I think I am ready to believe anything," I said glancing between her and the house.
"That is going to be put to the test," she answered me enigmatically.
We settled back in the chairs. The curtains were drawn over the closed windows. I waited patiently for her to begin but she simply looked back at me steadily. After a couple of minutes I figured it was up to me to get us started.
"Ok, put my willingness to believe to the test," I said.
"Has it not occurred to you to ask me my name?" she asked.
"No, not really. I figured you'd tell me when you were ready," I answered her.
"I am called Starna Ray. I know your name, not the one you use with everyone else but your true name that never you tell anyone," she said.
"I see," I said.
"You are a most unusual person. Anyone else by now would have been asking a thousand questions," Starna said.
I simply smiled at her without saying another word. She looked at me waiting but this time I held my silence. She must have noted the small shake of my head indicating I wasn't going to say another word. She shifted a little bit before deciding to continue.
Starna said, "You must have some idea of who I am and where I come from."
I simply waved my hand for her continue. She looked at me as her smile grew a little more uncertain. I reached over and lay my hand over hers. She seemed to take reassurance from that.
"When I told you that I'm a child of the solar system I wasn't speaking metaphorically. The moonbeams you have admired, adored, taken such pleasure in all your life, well..."
"Tell me you are a personified composite of them," I said quietly.
"You knew?" she said the surprise evident all over her face.
"Yes I knew." I replied.
"Starna asked, "How did you know?"
"I really don't know how the knowledge came to me, but it did," I answered quietly.
"How much do you know?" Starna asked.
I lowered my eyes to the floor then back to look at her before saying, "I know that you did all this," I waved my hand around indicating the house, "with what many would consider to be magic."
She started at that. She attempted to speak again but the words seemed to get stuck as she tried to utter them. I went to move toward her but she waved me back. She flickered in front of me and then seemed to disappear in a minor bursting light flash.
The flash cleared as her outline remained. Looking ghostly I didn't fear what I'd witnessed. I waited not taking my eyes off her. I don't know how much time had passed before she started to take solid form again. Oddly enough I felt no fear as I watched the process. True it was not your run of the mill happening that one saw every day though neither was it completely unexpected. I already knew there was much different about her.
When she returned in full form I had to move quickly to catch her. Her skin was pale, her eyes were open but blank. She was breathing though more slowly than she had been. I checked her pulse. It was not as strong as I thought it should be and it seemed to me to be erratic. I was a little slower than I should have been it measuring it. That was just as well as it returned to something that I would define as normal as her breathing also became better measured. Her eyes fluttered, closed then opened again showing a bright alertness that had just been absent a moment before.
"They tried to call me back before time. I pushed my way back here though I don't know how much longer I keep them at bay," she said.
"They?" I asked.
"My creators, I believe you would call them parents," answered.
"Starna, why are you here?" I asked her.
"You wished upon a moonbeam so here I am. You understand I can help you move on with your life but I cannot return you to yesterday. I cannot bring you to those who are gone nor can I bring them here," Starna's voice sounded a little strained as she spoke.
I studied her for any sign of after effects but she seemed to be doing quite well. I tilted my head at her as I looked. She simply smiled back at me as though to tell me all was well at the moment. It was strange the feelings she'd evoked from me. I hadn't expected to ever feel this way again. When I'd lost my bride to be so long ago I'd closed myself up and shut the world out as much as I could. Now everything was breaking open in ways I'd sworn I'd never allow again. There was something truly magical here, something part of me didn't want yet what was being awakened demanded further exploration.
"I am here to do whatever is necessary to bring light back to your spirit. It has been dark for too long. It was so bright once upon a time, a joy to look upon as it stood out among the crowd. Your light has dimmed. I don't want your light to go out," Starna said.
"Before you go further with that, tell me more about these parents of yours and why they want to cut your time with me short," I said.
"I am the daughter of light and dark. Both sides of the cosmos as it were. My mother is light and my father is dark though neither is truly a constant and each have shades of the other. They don't often make a full merging but when they do interesting things happen. Sometimes stars are born, sometimes all whirls in galactic dust and then there is me. I am the first and maybe the last of my kind. The two merged deep in the heart of the moon out there. I was spat out for lack of a better term by forces I don't understand. You see, the two of them battle back and forth with neither truly getting the upper hand. There are places that dark is the dominate force and places where light is the dominate force. They're offset by dark having more space occupied and light more heavily concentrated. I am a balance between the two, yet should another one like me come into existence then all the balances will shift and my parents will try to divide us. Have us take sides, something that I refuse to do. They each love me yet also fear me because I represent everything that will never allow either of them to achieve dominance over the other. The other issue they have with another like me being created is that should the other and I form a bond then we shall be unbeatable. As things are now, I am pulled by each all the time. It is wearying. I made a firm decision to come to you and that I was to be left alone for a full lunar cycle. They both agreed but they also fear each other and that fear caused them both to move prematurely. I stand alone between them for now. Without any support I shall eventually wear down and one or the other will use me to make a decisive move against the other. I believe you are the one who can do this but not as you are now. Time is running away on this matter. I have laid in the foundation. Now I need you to make the next step, maybe even the one after that if any hope of success is to realised."
As she spoke to me the fire in her eyes burned brightly. Made of a moonbeam she said. The purest mix of light and dark I knew. I hardly knew what to say to her as her revelation came to a close. Maybe I needed to say little and do much. It would requirement committing to her cause. I hadn't committed to anything in ten years. The loss then was so painful that it wasn't until recently it even hinted at fading. Now I was at war inside between what I knew needed doing and what I most feared doing. She was right about my needing mending. I wholly appreciated her not sugar coating it. She had not used any sense of misdirection. Her story seemed like so much fantasy yet I knew it was not. I don't know how I knew, just that I did. I couldn't find words to say. I couldn't find it in myself to make the reach she needed me to reach. The gap was too large for me to bridge. I looked at her hoping I could convey what was playing through my mind without having to give voice to my thoughts.
"I know it is hard for you. I have faith you can do this. We have but twenty-four days remaining. Take the next step, cast aside your fear. You know you can do it. Despite your doubts and fears you can do this. Breathe, step, do," she said.
I twitched but didn't move from where I was sitting. I couldn't take my eyes off her and I couldn't move any closer to her. I didn't want to get close to anyone ever again. Yet I did want to do it. Oh, when the heart and mind collide between one second and the next it steals something or gives something. When the held breath that has never truly been set free from pain inflicted ages past tries to make an escape only to find itself held back. So little to break what is damming up the flood. So hard for that break to come. Something had to give but when and which way I wondered.
The days passed by all too quickly. Try as I might I couldn't break through the barriers that had fallen in place a decade earlier. We shared the bed through the nights but never got passed holding hands, maybe a little pressing together. The little household routine we'd set up seemed to function reasonably well but I felt like a ghost watching from a distance. The longing to have it be real to me ache deep inside.
She sensed my moods, the frustration of futility that built up inside me. She knew I wanted more time to work through all this. I knew that time was not to be granted. I wasn't doing well under pressure. It became worse as her patience gave way to fear as we entered the final week. She had done everything right at all the right times. I just couldn't find it within myself to respond correctly.
She was fading by the day I couldn't do the right things to stop it. I was feeling more despondent as the days ran on. When there was only three days left she was more faded than present. She whispered pleas to me. I tried to rise to her needs and kept coming up short. I cursed myself. I pushed, prodded, yelled, all to no avail. I kept faltering at the test.
Finally on the last day she was more with me than faded but she seemed to hover as the moon rose in the sky. It was fully lit in the clear sky above even while the sun was setting. We had returned to where we'd first met. The first moonbeam reached down but it didn't quite touch her. All held still and I looked at her a little puzzled. She reached for me, whispering softly, "Now in this moment we're frozen for a time."
"What happens when time runs again?"
Then you will see me fade away, but take what we have for this moment."
I did as she asked but all too soon I heard the soft touch of a grain of sand touch the bottom of the glass. As she warned me, she faded away before I could say or do anything. Still as her outline lingered for a moment against the sky like slow drifting clouds I heard the sound of something like glass breaking.
"Fragile are our hearts, mine breaks at this parting. I know not how it shall be made whole again."
I stood looking skyward until the sun set. Watching the moon rise I saw a flash of light across my right eye. I knew then I'd find a way to get there, to be with her again. It might take a day or a score of years, but I'd do it.
The moonlight showed me the bits of her broken heart. I gathered up what had fallen and caught those that were still floating down. Carefully wrapping them in my handkerchief, I placed them in my pocket. I would find a way to make it whole again and restore it to her.
I hadn't realised until that moment what this all meant to me. I hadn't fully understood what I meant to her. Fool a hundred times over I knew myself to be. I pulled a falling tear from my cheek and flung it up along the path to the sky to chase the moonbeam.
Cursing myself I dropped to the ground as the last rays of the sun vanished. Against the backdrop of night a cry was heard. It sounded more like a wild beast than a man and I wondered of its origin. It took a moment before I realised the cry came from me. I squeezed my eyes tightly shutting myself away from everything. I don't know how much time passed before my mind began to sort out everything. The first thing to ease was the scream of the beast. I couldn't be sure that it hadn't been anywhere but in my head. I felt some relief when it stopped though such relief was short lived. A great despondent silence replaced it.
I could hear the waves pounding along the shoreline. That too receded until what had been a thundering roar fall to a quiet lapping. Eventually that faded too as memories of her voice faded in replacing the waves. Every word replayed. Everything look swam through my eyes that though closed to shield me failed utterly to do so. I could hear my own thoughts continuously berating me for coming up short when it could least be afforded. Taunting me so much worse than all the previous years, thoughts rose up like a giant I could not slay. I thought I heard thunder blasting but it was only my own inarticulate attempts to give a voice to my pains. I thought I felt rain falling but it was only the pouring of tears from my eyes. I thought I heard the winds blasting but it was only my ragged breath struggling to keep me going.
When everything at last stilled I dared to open my eyes a crack. I blinked from the sudden brilliance of the still rising moon. There was a halo around it that seemed to be far brighter than I'd ever seen. I tried to focus my eyes but something seemed to be stabbing them. I managed to gain some control over myself and noticed a single moonbeam still reaching for me. At the end of it hung a small drop. I knew right away it was the tear I had flung. A surge of hope ran through me as I took a breath and closed my eyes again.
I lay on still upon the ground in the silence. Behind my closed eyes a view that was half light and half dark appeared. The two slammed together pressing as hard as they could against each other. As hard as they heaved to and fro neither seemed to make any headway. I could've sworn I heard whispers of "me, me, support me." I wondered if I was hallucinating or if a new destiny was at hand.
I heard a faint note reverberate. It grew stronger as the battle between the two raged with a frightening ferocity. They became a swirling mesh that was quickly pulling me down through a menacing vortex. Again and again I felt buffeted like a leaf in the wind on a cold autumn day. It was an exhausting experience. Strobing flashes crumbled my sanity from all around the edges opening up ways to the core.
I was lost in the storm with no safe harbour to be found. I was going to drown in this lost place where all was forsaken to blinded emotions. Everything was coming undone from without as well as within. The dam was breaking, time was unwinding, the last sun had set.
I felt the last ebbs of life rippling out from me. My time had come in a way I couldn't have imagined. All the lost chances came whizzing by in a flash, spinning madly out of control as they flew by. I swear I heard some of them laugh at me in passing.
Dark and light ceased their fight. Floating in tatters, reeling from shock I tried to regain some sense of orientation. Various bits were being pulled in different directions. It hurt so much I couldn't even utter a sound. This gave me a reference for how it felt being the object in a tug of war between two equal opposing forces. That was a reference I could truly have done without.
During a brief respite I managed to bring one coherent thought to the surface. The tear I saw hanging from the end of the moonbeam. I didn't have the strength to speak. I merely let the thought come of its own accord. I hoped that Starna would hear it, that she could respond to me in this place. Then the battle was engaged once more shutting me down as the rages came around again in full unmerciful force.
The next set of blows never landed. Everything whooshed by leaving me untouched. I opened my eyes and this time I looked out on the world around me. The moon was gone, the stars were hidden by clouds. A chilly wind was blowing in from the sea. I breathed a couple of times before getting to my feet. Turning my head skyward I said, "I love you Starna."
I was shocked to see how much time had passed as dawn was breaking over the horizon. A small crack of light showed yet that was all to be seen. Dark clouds moved in blocking the sun's attempt to bring in the day brightly. Flashes of fury marked the sky followed by ominous rumblings. I heard a loud crack close by. Slowly I turned to see what had happened. I backed away from the house. It had been hit in at least two places by lightning strikes. A second storm had moved in behind me.
The two storms met with lashing winds and little rain. So much noise with so little release made me think of what I'd experienced through the night. My thoughts quickly moved to the urgent need of finding shelter. The house was being ripped apart by the cutting winds. I looked for someplace to go but there wasn't anywhere easily accessible. As I looked around my eyes couldn't reconcile with my memory of what should've been present. I couldn't see any sign of another house, or anything else that I had associated with my neighbourhood. Somehow it had all vanished!
Was this just another part of the vision or was this cold harsh reality that had turned my life inside out? The external storm mirrored the internal one. Real or not I had to bring this to an end. I yelled out "STOP!" Much to my surprise both storms halted. The confusion inside my head also vanished. Everything fell to an absolute quiet. I felt around with my hand and nodded. It had all been illusion. I was still laying on the ground where I'd fallen after Starna left. Half opening one eye I saw the single moonbeam with the tear on the end was still there. It had all taken place in a matter of seconds.
Fully opening both eyes I saw the moonbeam reaching further for me. I knew this to be no illusion. Something was changing. The tear drop became a finger nail. The beam became a hand. I reached for it. It closed around mine with a familiar warmth. I felt it pulling me just a little. "Yes my love, yes," I said feeling a rising excitement. Between one moment and the next I was gone.
Radio voice, "Astronomers announced today that there seemed to be a little extra glow coming from the moon. The brief released indicated that three independent observatories recorded the same results in the same location of the moon. The phenomenon was first noticed a month ago. Scientists have confirmed there is a brighter glow around the moon but they have no explanation for it at this time. "We really have no idea what has caused this, but teams around the world will be investigating in cooperation with various space agencies to come up with the why of it," the chief of the local observatory, Dr. Vanix told our news team today.
In other news an old house that was believed to have been abandoned burned to the ground last night. The old house located at Beachfront Rd and Last Lane was isolated from all other buildings in the community. The fire is believed to have started around midnight. By the time the fire department was notified the building was engulfed in flames. At this time no cause for the fire has been determined though some residents who were out for a late night stroll report that something appeared to strike the house from the sky. Military Base 40A, the nearest armed forces facility denies any special weapons testing was being conducted last night.
The owner of the house, one J.J. Smith cannot be located at this time. While nothing official has been released we have learned through our own sources that Mr. J.J. Smith may not exist. We spoke to residents in the area who say they barely noticed the man. He kept very much to himself. Authorities are not commenting on Mr. Smith or the cause of the fire at this time. Details will be provided as they become available."
"I don't think they'll be finding Mr. Smith anytime soon," I said to Starna as I tuned out the broadcast.
She answered me, "No, I don't think they will."
"The older ones are quiet for the moment, they're probably plotting against each other again, though I don't know why. Since you and I have come together they can't get away with anything," I said with mild amusement.
"Have you forgotten the eclipse in three days?" Starna asked me.
"No, I didn't forget that, you think he'll try something?" I asked her.
She laughed saying, "One of them is always trying something!"
"Will they learn?" I asked her.
In unison we said ,"Not for some time to come."
The two of us laughed. The battle between light and dark had gone on for eons. We could keep it contained but we had to stay alert because we knew that neither side would give up. We'd be strong together, strong enough to keep everything in balance.
Ten years ago I had lost my purpose in my life. Now I have one again and though I wasn't as I once was. I feel more whole and complete. It all came to be because somewhere within myself I was able to take courage to admit I could love again. Starna woke that in me, handed me the keys to open myself. I'll never truly know how close I came to not completing this destiny. I don't need to know. Here and now my existence regardless of form is complete.
Brian Paul Sullivan © 2014
